The Shaadi Phobia: A few things my Parents should know

Dear Mum and Papa,

I'm writing this post to tell you a few things that I can't t tell you directly. I have always hoped that something magical happens overnight, such that when you wake up you get what I wanted to tell but couldn't. Though I wanted God to cast that spell, but now let's not bother God for this tiny thing, and let this blog be magical.

Over my last 2-3 visits home, you guys have talked to me about marriage. And you Mum, you have even tried to persuade me in every manner.And we have talked about the things at a high level. Still, I feel the need to tell you all the things that bother me and how.

Here are the things I want you to know:

1. I too want to be a bride: Dear mum, I know you have been thinking about all the silly reasons for me saying no to getting married, you might have also thought of me as a Lesbian :P (Yes! I know you have). But Honestly, I too want to be a bride. I have always dreamed of a Lavish wedding and happily ever after scenario with a love-cum-arranged thing. But at this stage of my life, I think of being a Bride, but with a slight twist, m not sure if I want the Groom alongside. I just want all those amazing functions of Sangeet, Cocktail and Mehndi. With all friends and family blessing me and showering Gifts. It's that, I just want those beautiful dresses, bags, shoes, jewellery, makeup and a million other gifts :D And let's put a full stop to the wedding after these functions.Basically, I just want the gifts and not the responsibility.
2. The not so getting along BAHU: I'm not thinking the worst for me, but m just saying what if I didn't get well with the in-laws. I know times have changed, and the people are way better and loving now, they understand and support too. But still, I don't know if I'll fit well in their family.Maybe they won't like my lifestyle and want me to change, but will that change be logical and acceptable or not?
3. The permission lene wali bahu: Aaahhhh..! just writing this down has made me angry. You guys know me, I have been a free bird ever since,thanks to you both.XO. You both have supported me and had faith in me, that you have never stopped me from anything, I don't know if my in-laws would be like that or if they could accept me this way. Sincerely, I don't know what is it like seeking a permission. At our home, there's no such tradition, but just a "Bta-k-jao rule". And I'm not sure for how long I can be happy seeking permissions.
4. The JOINT family:I have a nuclear family, and I don't know how life tastes in a joint family. But I have observed a few joint families and the scene wasn't that pleasant. Ther's this competition between chachi k bache and tayi k bache, badi bahu and choti bahu that runs for decades by the whole family, and the continuous comparison. I'll go nuts if a get a joint family with such a competition throughout the year.But I would really love if you and his parents stay with us and help us.

To nullify the above points(2-4), which I know you will, let's concentrate on the more important point, the person I'll be spending my whole life.

1. I have trust issues: I just can't trust anybody so soon. I have seen people fake in relationships and for so long, not just for a few months or a year or two but longer. People just don't show their real face anymore. And I fear things changing right after the marriage. I don't see the change any pleasant. I want to know the person in and out before I could trust him and share my life with him.And it definitely needs time.
2. The commitment: We all say marriage is a sacred bond, it's the bond of the two souls. Is it relevant today? I really hope it is, and I really want it this way. When I take the decision of sharing my life with somebody, I will be really serious about it, and I want the person to reciprocate and not make the whole thing a joke. Having said that, I think I have made it clear that my level of commitment is really high.
3. The examples set forth(Divorce): If I say the examples in front of me (and you know what I'm talking about) are not very encouraging. You have been giving me your example whenever I have raised this point, but your times were different. If I see the marriages of my era, most of them have ended within an year. I really don't want to go through that phase. The Divorce isn't easy for anybody, let it be the two people or the two families. No matter how much you hate the other person, but the feelings you had, and the good times you shared can't be forgotten over night.I'm really sensitive, but when I get attached to somebody, I need 4x the time to get over them.Hence I really want to be sure before making the final move.
4. The expectations: My level of expectations is as high as my level of commitment. You can even say I expect too much, but that'show I am. People say, Don't expect anything and you'll be happy. Can somebody tell me what does a relation mean if there were no expectations?  What could have been the difference between a stranger and family? If my husband, doesn't care for me as desired, and I don't expect anything from him, I'll be happy. But will the things not bother when say a stranger or a friend cares for me more than my husband? I want my husband to be on the top of my priority, and to keep him there, obviously, I'll be needing his efforts too.
5. The Honest and Loyal One: I want my husband to be really honest and loyal to me in a relationship. I just can't be ok with him hooking around and being a perv and ultimately landing on point no. 2.  I want him to be honest with his feelings towards me, help motivate each other and move together to improvement and betterment. Rather than ignoring things and end being busy develop interest somewhere else.
6. Respect: Respect really matters. I can't compromise on this aspect. I can tolerate anything to some extend until I'm not being disrespected. If the person can't respect me, one there's no point of being in a relation with him. Two, how will I expect his family or his friends to respect me?Though they don't mean much, but after marriage they will.Three, how will I expect him to respect you? Given that he doesn't respect you, he might have to meet his fate.  I'm just too difficult on this.
7. The Perfect partner: I want him to be my partner. In short, I want him to partner me in all the things, from the struggle to get up early, hit the office to maintaining the house and hitting the gym to stay fit. I want more of a friend and an accomplice in all of my crimes.

Having discussed all the things that fear me, there are few other things that I avoid getting married so soon:

1. I have career aspirations.  I want to achieve something before getting married.
2. I want to be introduced by my name, rather than by my husband's. Hence m working hard.
3. I want to save something. I have been spend-thrift all of my life, but now I'm trying to improve myself. And it will take some time to improve and then to save.
4. I want some time to focus on my food dream too.
5. I also want to do something for you too.
6. I am not ready for all the responsibilities that come with getting married.
7. I'm not sure if I understand the modern day concept of an ideal marriage or not. And trust me, m really bad at it.

Now reading all of this you may think m talking immature, and maybe I am. But just give me some time, let me grow and understand the things better, before pushing me.  Let me be ready to accept the things and be strong and confident enough to embrace them.

Lots of Love,

Your Loving Daughter.